It is not uncommon for couples to have differences of opinion on a regular basis. Disagreements can arise from any one of a countless number of situations. The key in maintaining peace, love and respect lies in your ability agree on an outcome that both spouses can find peace with and move forward without resentment and hurt feelings. Have you ever been involved in a dispute with your spouse? Did it morph into an emotionally charged conflict with hurtful comments or accusations? Have you walked away from an argument that was supposedly resolved only to sense that what lingers is resentment and immature behavior? Marital conflict and emotionally charged interactions are very difficult encounters, and without an agreed upon plan for resolving conflict and rules of engagement, these situations can easily be the beginning of the end of your marriage.

Have you ever wondered how some couples can engage in disputes and resolve them without permanent fractures in their relationship? What is it about how they interact that allows them to move forward without the permanent scars or damage that is clear with other couples? How do they rebound from conflict and enjoy decades of marriage while others can’t seem to make it their five-year marital anniversary? Some couples have rules that both abide by which allow them to move forward and, if you can adopt some of these rules in your relationship, you too can move beyond disputes and experience an improvement in your marriage. Here is an approach that you and your spouse should consider implementing if you want to protect your marriage from unresolved conflicts and hurtful disputes.

Do not play the blame game – no accusations or finger pointing!

None of us are perfect. We fall short of expectations every day and that’s the human condition. All too often however, we expect our spouse to show up as perfect or at least free from coming up short of our expectations. We tell ourselves that what we ask (expect) is simple and should be easy to accomplish, satisfy or complete. When our spouse falls short, we resort to hurtful name calling (i.e. careless, forgetful, insensitive, etc.) as if we show up perfect in every situation with our spouse (notwithstanding any accusatory outbursts when our expectations are not met). While frustration and even anger may be natural emotions that are invoked when our spouse misses the mark, taking punitive actions rarely does anything more than sow anger, vitriol and contempt into the fiber of your marriage. If you fill the gap between your expectations and what comes to pass with damaging behavior, that damage is precisely the type of marriage you will create. Your marriage will be filled with dysfunction, heartache and pain and each time the gap is filled with hurtful behavior, the gap between you and your spouse will grow larger. The result of this approach is often an unfulfilling marriage and bitterness that could lead to a separation or divorce.

It is important to note that changing the course of your relationship can seem close to impossible if you and your spouse have sown negativity into your marriage up to this point. It may be critical for you to seek the assistance of a good coach or a licensed therapist as you try to heal the hurt created from past disputes and/or conflict. Changing the direction of your marriage will also require each of you to agree to refrain from those behaviors that incite defensive positioning, unforgiveness, finger pointing, name calling and the like. It is a difficult journey that will take a great deal of patience, grace, forgiveness, consistency, and humility. If you are each up to the task, there is a high likelihood that you will begin to see positive results once you have created healthier habits.

Try sowing a little grace in your marriage. If you fill the gap with grace, grace will become the ingredient that will encourage your spouse to do better. I will admit that this is very difficult to do if you are the recipient of ongoing broken promises, broken trust, unmet expectations and disappointment. It will likely require you to swallow your pride and release many other things that you might be unwilling to let go of. But the question you need to ask yourself is if you want to try and create a marriage that will ultimately heal or continue indefinitely with the misery of ongoing disputes filled with one-upping and other hurtful behaviors. I would suggest to you that both options are painful, but with time and patience, filling the gap with grace can bring a resolution. The bottom line however is about what you ultimately want.