Talisha and Damien were always bickering. Every little thing seemed to become an issue between them. They loved each other very much, but the bickering was certainly getting in the way of enjoying each other.

I asked Talisha and Damien to come up with some recent conflicts so I could experience what was happening between them. They had conflicts over time, money, child rearing, family, and chores. The dynamic between them was the same no matter what the issue: One of them would complain about something like the house being messy or the other person not being on time, and the other would argue, explain and defend. Then they would go back and forth, each one defending and explaining their position. Neither one listened to the other or even seemed to care about the other’s feelings or position. They would each get locked into their positions, seeing themselves as right and trying to convince the other person to see it their way. They were stuck in a control-resist conflict dynamic.

In this system, one person approaches the other with the intention to win, to be right - to control. The other person, not wanting to be controlled, goes into active resistance. One is trying to win and the other is trying not to lose; one is trying to be right and the other is trying not to be wrong. As long as their intentions were to control and not be controlled, they were stuck in the control-resist loop. They had no way of reaching resolution on any of their issues.

While Talisha and Damien loved each other, caring was not a part of this dynamic. As soon as an issue came up, they stopped caring about the health of the marriage, and each other. They were so intent on winning, or not losing, that caring went out the window.

At any given moment you can operate in one of two intentions, either to control or to compassionately learn. The problem is that both Talisha and Damien immediately choose the intent to control, which will always result in non-stop bickering. Instead of immediately choosing to win or control, both spouses should take turns seeking to understand each other from the other spouse’s point of view. See if you can find a place to care about each other’s positions and feelings. See if you can really listen and see it through their eyes.

As Talisha really listened to Damien with caring, and a desire to learn, she began to understand his frustration. For the first time, Damien felt really heard regarding the issue. Then Damien really listened to Talisha, trying to see things through her experience. They found that as they each began to understand the other’s feelings and experience, new ideas came up to resolve the problem. In this instance, they were working together as a team to create shared feelings which lead to both spouses working as a team, not as adversaries. When Talisha is on one side of the issue and Damien is on the other side, there will always be a loser, but when they share feelings and experiences, they can work towards a win-win (no loser is the ideal scenario).

When Talisha and Damien stop intending to control and focus on compassionate learning, resolution may be the outcome, or it may not, but the new learning will inevitably lead to positive change and understanding.

Often, people are reluctant to listen to each other for fear of losing themselves. They fear that if they listen to the other person, they will appear to be weak and will get taken advantage of. But the intent to learn is not just about listening to the other, it is also about listening to yourself and learning to stand in your own truth without having to impose it on another. If you care about both you and the other person, then you will not end up losing yourself in the conflict.

The intent to learn is about being compassionate for both you and your partner. When caring and compassion are more important than winning and being right, you will find a way for both of you to win.

Next time you are having a conflict, ask yourself, Am I trying to control or am I willing to learn? Even if your partner continues to try to control, when you move into compassionate learning, you will discover new inner power, strength and wisdom that is far more satisfying than winning or losing. You will be able to move beyond the bickering as you learn to listen while standing solidly in your truth.