When people are told that they need to communicate more they often mistake it as a request to simply say more words, but there is a big difference between simply talking more and effectively communicating. Effective communication is an art that combines the ability to clearly express your opinions and feelings with the ability to listen and understand the other person’s point of view. When effective communication is present, your spouse should be able to understand what you are communicating and, at the same time, you should be actively listening to understand your spouse. Both assertive communication and active listening are two techniques that you can learn and use to improve conversations with your spouse. Both concepts are introduced briefly below.

Assertive communication takes place when you stand up for your needs and wants while also taking into consideration the needs and wants of your spouse. A key component of assertive communication is to share without behaving passively or aggressively. Clearly state your wants and needs in an appropriate speaking volume. Speak with a steady tone of voice and maintain eye contact. Finally, when its your turn to listen, be sure to listen to your spouse with your whole heart.

Listening without interruption is another skill that is used when active listening is present in conversations. Active listening is an integral part of participating in the communication process. Active listeners are not part of an audience and do not behave as such. Active listeners show they are listening by promoting and encouraging the share of information and make it a point to understand the speaker. You show you are actively listening to your spouse by doing the following things:

• Put away, mute or turn off electronic devices – distractions while listening to your spouse will send the message that their words are not important.
• Use both verbal and nonverbal communication to demonstrate your participation in the conversation but do not interrupt (e.g. say “that makes sense” or “I understand” when appropriate, nod your head in agreement as appropriate and maintain eye contact).

The most successful marriages are those where both spouses have both strong verbal and nonverbal communication skills, as well as active listening skills.

Many unresolved problems continue to exist because of poor communication. Couples often feel that their partner should already know what they are thinking and how they feel without having to share and, as a result, they fail to communicate. They then wonder why they feel neglected, misunderstood, and undervalued. Many people choose to avoid communicating with their spouse because they don’t know how to share what’s bothering them and then the problem just eats away at the marriage until there is nothing left. The ability to share a problem in a healthy manner can make what seemed to be an insurmountable issue a tiny little blip on a larger horizon. So, resolve to avoid feeling stressed or hopeless because you can’t listen or communicate your issues. Don’t suppress up your feelings or concerns, talk about them and use assertive communication. Seek open communication with your spouse and listen to the responses from your spouse. Don’t keep quiet when you know in your heart that a problem must be confronted. When speaking about things or behaviors that are problematic for you, share how those things make you feel instead of finger pointing or placing blame. A great approach is to begin your sentences with the phrase “I feel {enter how you feel here} when you…” . Expressing your feelings instead of making accusations, will be less likely to put your spouse into a defensive position on the issues. Sharing your feelings instead of accusations will better position the two of you to address the concerns as a team instead of as adversaries.

If you happen to be on the receiving end of the difficult conversation and your spouse is sharing feelings associated with something you’ve done (or not done) and your emotions begin to overflow, resist the urge to lash out. Pausing the discussion may be the best action to keep the discussion from becoming unhealthy. Consider agreeing ahead of time (when no issues are at the forefront) on a code word that will allow you to take a pause from the difficult conversation. The code word can be anything the two of you will remember and once it is invoked, conversation stops for a temporary period so each of you can calm down and recompose yourselves. This approach can make for a subsequent conversation that is not as emotionally charged nor damaging to the relationship.

You might also take a break and do something you enjoy and preferably with your spouse. If you can refocus your attention on the lighter things in life, your day to day issues may seem that much smaller. Spending a little time together and enjoying each other's company could enable each of you to recapture some of the feelings that have been lost through constant arguing or challenges, and help you regain a positive perspective on your relationship.

Finally, make sure that you never start a discussion if you don’t have time to finish it. Don’t insist on a debate when one of you is headed to work, dealing with the kids, or just relaxing in front of their favorite TV program. If the timing never seems to be right, arrange a future time and date where the two of you can sit down free of distractions and talk.

No one ever said marriage would be easy, but if you want to save your marriage and make it special, begin to practice effective communication and active listening techniques. If you can make them a regular and consistent approach to communication, then there is very little to stop you from resolving your issues and ultimately restoring great conversations in your marriage.